Why Should I Go To Therapy When They're The Problem?

You know that moment after an argument with your partner or a friend or your parent when you’re cooling off alone in the car, or maybe you’re contemplating in the shower, and you keep going over everything you wish you would have said or done differently in the moment? And then the two thoughts pop into your mind one after the other: 

Maybe I should talk to a therapist about all this.

And then… 

Why should I go to therapy when they’re the problem, anyway?

If you relate to that as much as I have in different moments, hopefully this article can give you a way to navigate that frustration and decide whether or not therapy is right for you (even if the person you’re frustrated with doesn’t think they need it).

Everything (and Everyone) We Can’t Control

If you’ve ever wondered about therapy but shut it down because someone in your life obviously needed it more than you (no, just me?), here’s the tricky thing:

The reality is that you might be right. Or you might not. 

I don’t know what your situation is, but I do know that you are not the only one to wish that someone in your life would get a therapist and deal with their issues.

Annoyingly, the only person we can control or change in life is ourselves.

So, while whoever it is who has inspired you to search for local therapists in your area may actually be in a position to benefit from therapy, you cannot force them to do so, but you can use some of what I’ll talk about in this article to help make sense of what your feeling and how you can find support, no matter what you partner, friend, or parent does or does not do.

Why It’s So Frustrating and What You Can Do About It

Whether the other half of the argument I mentioned earlier really was to blame for the problem or not, there is something important to recognize when those feelings of resentment and anger bubble up in you.

Most often, when we say “they’re the problem”, what we’re trying to find words for is “I feel helpless to change this situation and I’m powerless to make it better”.

I’ve already mentioned the reality that we cannot control the people around us, and this can be an important step to feeling like you have some more influence over the way that things are going right now.

If you can’t control them, you can still control you. And if you can still control you, there are ways to reclaim your power and agency over how to approach the situation.

When you realize that, options like potentially going to therapy yourself become less about taking on someone else’s blame or excusing their poor behaviour, and turn into a way for you to decide that this dysfunctional dynamic won’t get to control you anymore.

You’re taking steps toward the respect, reactions, and peace of mind that you want to experience, no matter what the other person does.

Wait, I Should Go To Therapy?

Maybe, yeah. One of the best things you can do may be finding a therapist for yourself who can help you process the thoughts and feelings and challenges you’re facing, whether your partner, friend, or parent ever considers counselling for themselves or not.

If you’re thinking that sounds wildly unfair, that makes sense. It can feel deeply unfair when you’re the one signing on to your own self-work while they stay oblivious.

But waiting for someone else to heal before you do only keeps you stuck in the same place for longer.

Therapy doesn’t always mean talk therapy on a couch. There are so many modes and approaches to mental health therapy, and finding the right one for you is one way you can start exiting the loop you have found yourself in with this person in your life.

Before you write that suggestion off as a waste of time, there are a few important disclaimers that might help reframe the idea of therapy if you’re struggling to see how it could help.

• Therapy doesn’t mean you are taking the blame for what’s happened but it can help you stop feeling weighed down by guilt and anger that you’re not even sure was yours to begin with

• A good therapist won’t tell you to just tolerate poor or abusive behaviour. A qualified and caring therapist or counsellor can give you language and tools to stop normalizing unhealthy patterns in this relationship that’s causing chaos and find ways out or new strategies if needed.

• Going to therapy doesn’t mean you have to “just be the bigger person” and pretend it doesn’t bother you. It should be another tool you can use to help understand your triggers and nervous system so you don’t get pulled into the same fight on repeat when you don’t need to.

In addition to all that, there is a lot that a good therapist can help you uncover that can really help you move through these tricky situations more calmly and effectively.

You may find that going to therapy even when “they’re the problem” helps you discover and start working with parts of you that keep trying to fix, prove, or earn peace (but never seem to get there), old family patterns being replayed through current relationships and making you feel worse, what boundaries actually feel like in your body when you need them most, or ways to stop abandoning yourself just to keep the peace and avoid rocking the boat.

Some of that might be helpful, even when you’re not causing the issue.

It’s Okay to Not Feel Ready

If reading this far has you curious but not completely convinced, that’s okay. The decision of if or when to find a therapist is a personal one. Take your time researching counsellors and therapists in your area and don’t hesitate to book a consultation call or send them an email if you’re not sure yet. Finding the right fit for you is a process that can take some time, but it’s well worth it when you’re ready.

Even if you do book a session, it is more than okay to spend the first few getting to know your therapist and deciding if the two of you will work well together. You can always bring up any hesitations or concerns to your therapist (they want you to have the best fit possible, too).

Conclusion

Hopefully you’ve felt something shift as you’ve read this article and started to realize that you don’t go to therapy to fix the people in your life you’re having trouble with, but you can get support so you can stop giving other people control over your emotions and your peace.

A therapist is just one option for navigating complex or conflicting relationships. If you’re not sure where to start, check out other posts on our blog or reach out to the SoulSoothe team with questions so we can help you find the right next step for you.