Discover Your Stress Language: How We React When We’re Not Okay
Ever said “I’m fine” when your partner, kids, or coworker asked if you were okay, and as you said it, you could feel that something actually did feel kind of off?
Whether you whispered, shouted, snapped, or just silently nodded, we’ve all had moments where our default response to stress or big feelings snuck up on us without realizing that we were, in fact, not fine.
Keep reading to learn what Stress Languages are, what your patterns are, and how to recognize your responses sooner so you can get back to feeling like yourself and having calmer conversations.
What is Stress?
Basically, stress is our body’s reaction to the world around us.
Stress is the boost of “go hormones” (like cortisol, epinephrine, and norepinephrine) that wake us up in the morning and give us the energy to brew our morning coffee. It’s the focus and excitement we feel when we wrap up an important project.
And stress is why our heart races and we suddenly feel tense when encountering a bear on a hike (or our screaming toddler who’s superglued themself to the grocery store floor, or when an email from our boss requests a “quick chat”).
So, sometimes stress is a good thing. There are reasons our body creates those feelings. But what about when big responses to less-than-life-threatening stress mess with our life and relationships?
Stress Languages and Big Reactions
The term “stress languages” came from Chantal Donnelly (she wrote this book), and it’s become a helpful way to describe some patterns we all experience.
You might recognize the concept of love languages – the ways we naturally give and receive love or appreciation – and stress languages refer to the ways we react to and express stress.
Thankfully, we can discover our stress languages and work with them. Once we know how we usually react, we can find tools and strategies to help us handle intense feelings so we can respond in ways that help us feel and think better.
Here are the five stress languages (we’ll talk about what to do with all that stress soon). Can you identify yours?
The Fixer
If this is your primary stress language, you don’t feel safe until there is a solution. You can recall times when your emotions and perspectives were minimized or ignored, and you got used to doing things instead of expressing yourself. People-pleasing might be a pattern for you, since it feels disruptive to have someone be anything other than happy with you.
Quickly look for ways to solve the stressful situation (like always texting back in under 10 seconds, or moving to “here’s what we should do” before you’ve heard your partner’s concerns)
Solves for certainty before connection (their experience has been that uncertainty or change is unsafe)
Avoids emotional stillness or intense feelings by staying busy (I’m guilty of this – I have gotten up from a conversation with my husband to empty the dishwasher or fold laundry when I have feel hurt or frustrated)
The Denier
If you’ve heard “wow, you’re so positive,” when things sucked, you might recognize this one. Like a child who covers their eyes and thinks you can’t see them, Deniers use extreme positivity to suppress their emotions, hoping that if they don’t let the feelings catch up, it will all go away.
Minimizes difficult emotions or experiences to avoid feeling overwhelmed or trapped (can come across as especially resilient or always “glass half full”)
May feel resentful that no one acknowledges what they’re facing, while not allowing anyone to truly see the difficulty
Experts at noticing other people’s needs and emotions while neglecting their own (you’ve probably been told you’re easy to talk to and a great listener, but you don’t feel listened to)
The Numb-er
This one might seem similar to the Denier, but instead of pasting on a smile, the Numb-er peeks at their stress from behind their favourite escape techniques. Everyone needs a break from pressure sometimes, but Numb-er’s delay hard conversations, procrastinate to-do’s, and use busyness, daydreams, screens, or other vices to avoid dealing with stress at all.
Disappears or escapes when the stress pops up (but the source of your anxiety is always waiting when you’ve turned off the game or come home from overtime)
Physically present but become emotionally absent and “checked out” (has your partner or coworker ever said “hello, did you hear anything I said?”)
The Imploder
This stress language collapses inward when the panic or anger flares up, leaving you frozen in place. You protect yourself by becoming quiet and still, shutting yourself off from the people closest to you in that moment. When you’re hurt or under pressure, your mind and emotions shift into neutral, you disconnect, and getting “back online” can take more time than you’d like.
Copes with stressful conversations by emotionally detaching and shutting down (do you find yourself saying “sorry, I just zoned out there for a second” when your partner is experiencing big emotions or a family member says something that hurt?)
Internalizes shame and conflict by becoming self-critical (you end up saying “I always screw things up. Why can’t I get this right?”)
The Exploder
This stress language does just what you think: directs the pressure outward, usually with more force or intensity than intended. Often, they confront and then cut off what seems like the source of the stress. While most of us have had moments where big emotions boil over, if this is your go-to, you likely get to that point faster than you realize and take a long time to feel differently about something that has ignited all that stress.
Can easily become hyper-critical or aggressive, assigning blame elsewhere, or shutting down and walling others off (the last one to apologize in an argument…)
Might experience reactive rage when feeling hurt, spiral into catastrophic thinking, or quickly become defensive (do you often feel the need to explain yourself and point out flaws?)
Now That You Know…
By now you’ve probably figured out your primary stress language. Maybe you’re pretty sure you’ve discovered your partner’s, boss’s, or child’s stress language, too. So what now?
Recognize The Patterns
Understanding your’s and others’ stress languages helps you get ahead of it and meet needs when stress is building. Learning to approach stress differently or course correct when you notice familiar patterns in yourself is the first step to calmer conversations and less “sorry, I don’t feel like myself right now”.
Get Support
Therapy can be powerful as you start healing from the things that taught you to respond to stress this way in the first place. We all have subconscious reactions to our safety and belonging feeling threatened, and working to shift or slow these responses is hard. A skilled counsellor can help you (and your partner or children) let big feelings come up to be seen and dealt with.
Turn Down The Stress
If you can, get out of situations that place too much stress on you. If you can’t remove the stressor (like your boss’s emails or your child’s tantrum), finding tools to help your brain and body feel less attacked will give you clarity to respond the way you actually want to.
Conclusion
Figuring out your stress language isn’t about labeling yourself or excusing anyone’s less-than-ideal reactions to stressful situations. It’s a tool to help you notice your patterns, understand why you’ve responded in certain ways, and access the strategies and support you need to face that stress differently over time. The more familiar you are with how stress shows up in your body and behavior, the less power it has to control your conversations, relationships, or your sense of self.
Even with what you’ve learned through this article, you will get overwhelmed again and end up speaking your stress language (I promise, it happens to all of us), but now you’re ready to catch it sooner, stay connected longer, and start resetting the things your system has been doing you on autopilot.
Remember that you don’t have to sort it out on your own, and you’re not broken. You’re just learning a new language.
