Safety Before Submission: What Christian Couples Need to Understand About Coercive Control

In my work with couples over the years, I've noticed a pattern that tends to emerge whenever relationships become strained or disconnected.

One partner feels lonely, rejected, or deprived of connection. They long for more affection, intimacy, respect, or emotional closeness from their spouse. These desires are understandable and, in many cases, entirely legitimate.

The problem arises when the conversation shifts from desire to entitlement.

Instead of asking, "What might be contributing to the distance between us?" the question becomes, "Why won't my spouse give me what I deserve?"

At first glance, this may not seem particularly concerning. After all, marriage involves mutual love, care, and commitment. But when entitlement takes root in a relationship—especially when reinforced by poor interpretations of Scripture—it can create fertile ground for coercion, manipulation, and abuse.

Before going any further, it is important to acknowledge that coercive control can occur in any relationship. Men can be victims. Women can be perpetrators. Abuse is not limited to one gender, culture, or socioeconomic background.

At the same time, we must also be honest about what the research consistently demonstrates. Women are disproportionately affected by coercive control and intimate partner violence, and men are disproportionately represented among perpetrators. This reality has been recognized by researchers, advocacy organizations, and more recently within Canadian legal frameworks addressing coercive control and intimate partner violence.

As Christians, we should not be afraid of acknowledging these realities. Truth-telling is not an attack on marriage or family; it is often the first step toward healing.

What is Coercive Control?

When people think of abuse, they often imagine physical violence. While physical violence is certainly abusive, coercive control is often much more subtle and difficult to identify.

Coercive control refers to an ongoing pattern of behaviour designed to dominate, intimidate, isolate, or restrict another person's autonomy. Rather than a single incident, it is a pattern that gradually erodes a person's sense of safety, freedom, and agency.

This may include:

• Monitoring a partner's activities or communications.

• Controlling finances.

• Isolating them from family or friends.

• Using intimidation, threats, or guilt.

• Manipulating through religious beliefs.

• Demanding compliance while avoiding accountability.

• Pressuring or coercing sexual intimacy.

• Creating an environment where disagreement feels unsafe.

What makes coercive control particularly harmful is that it often operates beneath the surface of the relationship. The controlling partner may not see themselves as abusive. In fact, they may genuinely believe they are trying to protect the relationship, uphold biblical values, or maintain order within the family.

And yet, the impact on the other person can be devastating.

Safety Comes Before Connection

One of the most important truths I teach couples is that people naturally move toward safety and away from threat.

This is not simply a psychological principle; it is part of how God designed us.

When we feel emotionally safe, we become more open, vulnerable, and connected. We share our thoughts. We express affection. We engage in meaningful intimacy. We trust.

When we feel threatened, our nervous system shifts into protection. We become defensive, guarded, withdrawn, or hypervigilant.

This is true in friendships, families, churches, and marriages.

And yet, I sometimes encounter situations where a spouse demands affection, intimacy, trust, or submission while simultaneously engaging in behaviours that undermine safety within the relationship.

They may raise their voice, become controlling, dismiss their partner's concerns, manipulate through guilt, or weaponize Scripture. Then they become frustrated when their spouse appears distant or disconnected.

Before asking why your spouse seems distant, perhaps it is worth asking a more difficult question:

What is it like to be in a relationship with me?

That question requires humility. It requires self-reflection. And it requires us to acknowledge that connection cannot be demanded—it must be cultivated.

When Scripture Becomes a Tool of Control

This is where things become particularly concerning within Christian communities.

The Bible has been used throughout history to justify behaviours that stand in direct opposition to the character of Christ. Slavery, racism, oppression, and abuse have all found defenders who claimed biblical support.

Sadly, coercive control is no exception.

Passages about submission are sometimes quoted without context. Teachings about forgiveness are used to pressure victims into remaining silent. Appeals to marital duty are used to justify entitlement to affection, emotional labour, or sex.

What is often missing from these conversations is a broader understanding of biblical love.

When Paul instructs husbands to love their wives in Ephesians 5, he does not point them toward dominance, control, or entitlement. He points them toward Christ.

And what does Christ do?

He sacrifices Himself.

He serves.

He protects.

He dignifies.

He lays down His power for the sake of others.

The model presented in Scripture is not one of control but of self-giving love.

Any interpretation of Scripture that consistently increases fear, diminishes agency, or reinforces coercion should cause us to pause and examine whether we are truly reflecting the heart of Christ.

Love Cannot Be Forced

One of the great misunderstandings of relationships is the belief that love can somehow be extracted from another person through pressure, obligation, or authority.

It cannot.

Trust cannot be demanded.

Respect cannot be demanded.

Affection cannot be demanded.

Intimacy cannot be demanded.

These things grow in environments where safety, consistency, and care are present.

This is one reason coercive control is so destructive. It attempts to obtain through force what can only be received through trust.

Ironically, the harder someone pushes for connection through control, the more distance they often create.

The very behaviours intended to preserve the relationship end up damaging it.

A Better Vision for Christian Marriage

If coercive control is rooted in entitlement, Christian love is rooted in responsibility.

Rather than asking, "What does my spouse owe me?" we begin asking, "How can I love my spouse in a way that reflects Christ?"

Rather than demanding trust, we become trustworthy.

Rather than demanding respect, we become respectful.

Rather than demanding intimacy, we create safety.

Rather than demanding submission, we practice humility.

This does not mean ignoring problems or avoiding difficult conversations. Healthy marriages require honesty, accountability, and mutual influence. But these conversations must occur within an environment where both people are free to speak, disagree, and express themselves without fear.

The goal is not compliance.

The goal is connection.

Hope for Healing

The presence of coercive control does not automatically mean a relationship is beyond repair. Many people engage in controlling behaviours without fully understanding the impact they are having on those they love.

But healing requires honesty.

It requires accountability.

It requires a willingness to examine our assumptions, confront harmful patterns, and repent when necessary.

Most importantly, it requires us to return to the example of Christ.

Jesus never coerced people into relationship with Him. He invited them.

He did not manipulate, intimidate, or control. He loved.

As Christian couples seek healthier relationships, perhaps the question is not whether we are receiving enough love from our spouse, but whether we are creating the kind of safety where love can flourish.

Because healthy marriages are not built on entitlement.

They are built on trust.

And trust grows where people feel safe enough to be known, loved, and free.