What Science Says About How to Feel Less Lonely

Last week, I was about to log on to a video call I was leading when I realized one of the passwords I needed had been changed. I picked up my phone and called my coworker. She answered, shushed her kids in the backseat of her car, gave me the new password, and tapped away at the 2-factor authentication codes that popped up on both our phones as we talked. When we hung up, I logged on to the call and welcomed the faces that appeared in squares on my screen, all the way from South America, Europe, the USA, and Canada, all at once.

Oh, and my coworker and her business partner live in separate states, and I live in the Canadian prairies.

In a world where that much connection can happen over the course of less than 3 minutes, it’s concerning that we can be so effortlessly in touch but sometimes, so incredibly lonely. A Canadian study found that 60% of Canadians felt disconnected from their community, with 16% reporting they never feel a sense of community. 43% of Canadians over the age of 50 are at risk of social isolation (a severe lack of people and places to connect), and up to 59% have experienced loneliness regularly.

And feeling lonely and isolated is more than just depressing to think about. Sustained or severe lack of connection is linked to heart disease, cancer, and other chronic health concerns and autoimmune disorders. Feeling alone is a serious problem.

And so we wonder, what are we supposed to do about it? This article will look at ways to carve out more space for connection and chisel away at the loneliness that may have crept into your own life, even if diving into “community” freaks you out or feels like an impossible task.

The Problem with To-Do Lists and Follower Counts

Have you ever had a day where you planned everything out? You wrote everything out in a fresh paper calendar, made lists of all the tasks you would check off, even Amazon Primed sleek-looking organizing units and new pens and crisp notebooks with same-day delivery. Then, that evening, you sink into the couch and turn on Netflix to decompress, because that felt like a busy day.

But the next day, you open up the planners and stack the Amazon boxes by the door and realize that you thought about a lot of things, but you didn’t actually do any of them.

That illusion of feeling productive when we’ve spent the day thinking about the things we have to do is similar to what happens to our sense of connection when we stay “busy” or have lots of “connections” on social media that don’t often bleed into our real offline life.

When we keep busy with tasks, we spend our mental and physical energy, sometimes even around other people, but don’t leave those environments feeling more plugged in than before. Whether it’s the car pickup line at your child’s school, the grocery store, or your office, we often make a habit of drifting through these spaces while absorbed in the task at hand. We can easily miss the chance to be present in the moment, distracted instead of noticing things around us, and focused on our to-do list instead of having conversations or tiny moments of connection with the people around us.

Online, we can learn to substitute meaningful connection for surface-level awareness: we saw that our friend posted about their family vacation or shared an Instagram story about going to therapy, so we “like” it or comment a quick “looks great” and move on, without seeing them in person, hearing their voice, or sharing stories and details and feelings together. We’ve fooled our brains into accepting a cheaper version of connection that still leaves us alone in our own homes with no one but Siri to talk to.

Depressing, I know, but there are ways to break out of this isolation and loneliness cycle that can be surprisingly simple and accessible.

Practice Presence and Paying Attention

Small things have a much bigger impact on our feelings of connection than we sometimes realize. Whether it’s a moment to actually feel the warmth of your morning coffee in your hand, notice the sunlight streaming through your window on the drive to work, or letting yourself appreciate the feeling of your bedding on the days you can’t get out of bed, paying attention is what leads us to being present and grateful, and that’s how we feel connected to the life we’re actually living.

Decide To Say Yes to Micro-Connection

Breaking out of patterns of isolation and making connections can feel daunting if all you picture is having to entertain close friends (if you have them) as the host with the most, but the building blocks of a more connected life are way more simple than that. Practicing micro-moments of connection like smiling when you accidentally make eye-contact with a stranger in the grocery store or sending a thoughtful comment or DM instead of just double-tapping someone’s post are little ways to remind yourself that there are other people around you, who are a lot like you.

Stretch A Little

Having said all that about how tiny these moments of connection can be, it is also true that sometimes, cultivating connection in our lives can sometimes be… well, awkward. Building the “village” we want often means we have to be part of the village first! And that can mean saying yes to things that we dread, dislike, or just don’t have energy for from time to time. While healthy boundaries and managing our output appropriately is an important part of our wellbeing, so is engaging in connection and community, even if that means paying the price of driving a friend to the airport at who-knows-what time of morning, repairing after a conflict instead of shutting down the relationship, or following through on the coffee date we booked because even though we’re tired, we know that connection matters to both of us.

Go to Therapy

If these steps feel like climbing a mountain to consider or you’re trying to apply them and find yourself stuck in habits of overworking, isolation, turning down invitations, not making new friends, or feeling anxious or depressed, support is available. Working with a good therapist can help you work out why you engage or disengage in ways that are not helping you feel more connected, and they can bring some evidence-based perspective to your situation beyond “just put yourself out there”.

Conclusion

As you consider what connection (or a lack of it) looks like in your life, be encouraged as you remember that you can be open to changing your loneliness. Even if a friend showed up on your doorstep today, you’d still have to let them in (but you can totally do that, even if it happens slowly)!

Start small if you have to, but decide that you will not let loneliness take over. Even if it begins with noticing sunlight, sending a voice note or thoughtful DM, ordering flowers to arrive at an acquaintances home when they announce something important online, or smiling at a stranger in the line at Starbucks, you can do something to replace loneliness with connection for yourself and the people around you, one choice at a time, and your brain and body will thank you for it.