When Theology Enables Abuse: Rethinking Gender, Power, and Christian Marriage
I want to acknowledge that many Christians—including faithful theologians, pastors, and married couples—hold different convictions regarding gender roles in marriage. This article is not intended to resolve the debate surrounding complementarianism and egalitarianism. Rather, my concern is far more specific: how certain interpretations of Scripture can unintentionally reinforce unequal power, discourage accountability, and, in some cases, contribute to environments where abuse is enabled or overlooked. My hope and prayer is that this is something all Christians—and non-Christians alike—can rally around to end gender-based violence.
Many Christians come into therapy carrying assumptions about how husbands and wives “ought to” behave in marriage. For example:
The husband leads.
The wife submits.
The husband provides.
The wife nurtures.
These gendered expectations come from a variety of sources, including observable personality traits, gifting, and personal preferences. Some expectations come from cultural norms. Still other expectations are believed to come directly from Scripture.
The problem is not that Christian couples choose to divide responsibilities differently. The problem is when these expectations become rigid moral obligations that are reinforced by appeals to spiritual authority.
When a husband believes that God has given him authority over his wife…
Or when a wife believes that defending herself from mistreatment is rebellion against God…
Or when church leaders teach about submission unequally, without emphasizing the true mutuality of sacrificial love that is communicated throughout the whole of Scripture…
… the result is often fear, silence, and, in some cases, abuse.
Abuse Often Doesn’t Begin with Violence
Most abusive relationships don’t begin with overt physical violence. Instead, they begin with entitlement. One partner believes they deserve obedience. They deserve sex. They deserve respect. They deserve emotional caretaking. They deserve control over family decisions.
Whenever another person's freedom is viewed as a problem rather than something to be honoured and nurtured, coercion becomes increasingly likely. Healthy relationships make room for mutual influence; abusive relationships demand control.
And I don’t see this strictly as a relationship problem. It is a theological problem.
Theology shapes the stories we tell ourselves about relationships. If someone sincerely believes that God expects one spouse to possess greater authority than the other, those beliefs inevitably influence how conflict, disagreement, consent, and accountability are understood. Theology never remains merely theoretical—it eventually becomes relational.
Scripture Was Never Intended to Legitimize Domination
From the opening pages of Scripture to its final chapter, one theme remains remarkably clear: men and women alike bear the image of God and therefore share equal dignity.
The writer of Genesis was clear with this in the Creation account (Gen. 1:27). Furthermore, Jesus regularly interacted with women and elevated them to positions of significance—contrary to a culture that diminished them. Paul later declares in Galatians 3:28 that there is “neither male nor female” in Christ, as it relates to equality before God.
And the rest of the New Testament repeatedly calls believers to act with humility, mutual submission, and self-sacrificial love.
None of these themes support domination, coercion, or notions of male superiority.
The Problem Isn't Scripture. It's How We've Used It.
As should be obvious at this point: the problem isn’t what the Bible says—it is how Scripture has sometimes been interpreted and applied to justify unequal power.
Several passages have historically been interpreted in ways that justify gender inequality, including:
Ephesians 5
Colossians 3
1 Peter 3
1 Timothy 2
These passages deserve careful interpretation and must be understood alongside the broader witness of Scripture rather than in isolation.
Moreover, history demonstrates something we cannot ignore: these passages have too often been used to pressure women to remain in abusive marriages.
Women have been told:
“Try harder to submit.”
“Respect him more.”
“Win him over without words.”
“Marriage is for life.”
“God hates divorce.”
Meanwhile the husband's abuse is minimized. His responsibility is softened. His repentance is assumed.
The burden falls almost entirely upon the victim.
That is not biblical counselling. It is spiritual coercion.
Mutual Submission Changes Everything
Few passages have shaped Christian discussions about marriage more than Ephesians 5. Yet before Paul says anything about husbands or wives, he first gives a command to the entire Christian community: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph. 5:21).
Paul begins with mutual submission (5:21). Then he gives instructions to wives and husbands that would have sounded radically different in the first-century Roman world. Wives are addressed directly as moral agents capable of making decisions before God. Husbands are never instructed to dominate, coerce, or demand obedience from their wives. Instead, they are commanded to love as Christ loved the Church—through self-emptying sacrifice.
Whatever we make of the relationship between headship and submission, Paul's ethical emphasis falls squarely on self-giving love rather than entitlement or coercion. In other words, Christlike leadership is measured not by the amount of influence a person has, but by the willingness to lay it down for the good of another.
The husband who resembles Christ consistently gives away power rather than accumulating it.
Traditional Gender Roles Often Become Rules God Never Made
Many Christians inherit expectations about marriage that are shaped as much by modern Western culture as by Scripture itself. For example:
The husband must always make the final decision.
The wife should avoid earning more money.
The husband should never stay home with children.
The wife should naturally manage the home.
These expectations are often presented as biblical, yet many lack clear scriptural support. In many cases, they reflect cultural assumptions that have become intertwined with our interpretation of the Bible.
None of this means that couples cannot freely choose a traditional division of responsibilities. Many healthy Christian marriages do exactly that. The concern is not which roles a couple adopts, but whether those roles are freely embraced, mutually negotiated, and open to change as life circumstances evolve.
As Christians, we should be cautious about elevating cultural norms to the level of biblical command. When we do, we risk measuring faithfulness by conformity to tradition rather than by the fruit of the Spirit.
Healthy Theology Produces Healthy Relationships
Research suggests that the increased risk is not religious belief itself, but rather beliefs about gender and power that reinforce male entitlement, female submissiveness, and unequal decision-making. Across a variety of populations, studies have consistently found that beliefs supporting male dominance and the justification of control are associated with higher rates of intimate partner violence. Within Christian contexts, these beliefs can become particularly harmful when they are reinforced through appeals to Scripture or spiritual authority.
Importantly, the issue is not Christian marriage itself. I have the privilege of working with many deeply committed Christian couples whose marriages are marked by humility, mutual love, and genuine partnership. Their faith is not a source of oppression; it is one of the greatest strengths in their marriage.
Healthy Christian marriages tend to emphasize:
Mutual respect
Shared decision-making
Emotional responsiveness
Accountability
Servant leadership
Equal human dignity
These qualities are consistently identified as protective factors in healthy relationships. They foster trust, emotional safety, and mutual influence—the very opposite of coercion and abuse.
Becoming More Like Christ
Ultimately, this conversation is not about preserving traditional gender roles or abandoning them altogether. It is about asking whether our theology produces relationships that reflect the character of Jesus Christ.
Jesus never used His authority to dominate, coerce, or silence others. Instead, He consistently used His power to serve, protect, restore, and give life. If Christian marriage is meant to reflect Christ and His love for the Church, then it should likewise be marked by humility, mutual honour, sacrificial love, and unwavering commitment to one another's flourishing.
This also means the Church has a responsibility to examine the ways our teaching has been applied throughout history. Where our interpretations have been used to excuse abuse, discourage accountability, or pressure victims to remain in unsafe situations, we must have the courage to acknowledge it, repent of it, and do better. Protecting vulnerable people is not a departure from biblical faithfulness—it is an expression of it.
The good news is that healthy Christian marriages already demonstrate a better way. Every day, I have the privilege of working with couples who model mutual respect, emotional responsiveness, shared responsibility, and Christlike love. Their marriages remind me that the gospel does not diminish either spouse; it calls both husband and wife into the same lifelong journey of becoming more like Jesus.
Perhaps that is the question every Christian couple—and every church—should continually ask:
Does our understanding of marriage make us more like Christ?
If the answer is yes, it will never produce fear through control or demand submission through coercion. Instead, it will cultivate relationships where both husband and wife are free to love, serve, repent, and flourish together in the likeness of the One they follow.
