Attention as Connection: Recognizing and Responding to “Bids for Connection”

You already know humans are wired for connection, but what you might not know is that most people are missing more opportunities to connect without even knowing it.

The good news is there are easy ways to start noticing and taking advantage of those missed moments, and I’m going to tell you how.

It’s easy to notice that they want your attention and connection when your kids yell “watch me!” across the park for the 45th time. But it’s trickier when your partner says they don’t feel like you’ve “been here” all day, even though you’ve been sitting right next to them on the couch for an hour (I used to get so confused when my husband would tell me that).

When your friend greets you with a big hug at lunch it’s obvious they need more support than usual right now, but when your partner gives you a 20-minute play-by-play of their workday and keeps mentioning new coworkers you’ve never heard of and don’t know the first thing about, you might not catch that what they really wanted was to feel close to you.

Those little signals are important signals and learning to notice and respond to them is one of the simplest (and most powerful) ways to strengthen your relationships.

In this post, we’ll explore what these signals can look like, why asking for attention is a totally normal, healthy, and super important thing to do (and isn’t the same as a codependent relationship), and find some ways you can become more aware of the ways you and your people are asking for, accidentally ignoring, or actually meeting each other’s needs for connection.

What Are “Bids for Connection”

The phrase “bids for connection” comes from a relationship expert named John Gottman, who calls them “the fundamental unit of emotional communication.” Basically, they’re a really big deal if you want to feel understood by and connected to your people.

These bids are usually tiny things we do to create an opportunity to feel close to someone, but they can show up in more ways than you might expect. Sometimes you’ll catch them right away and other times, they’re easy to miss.

Here are a few examples you might recognize in yourself, your partner, or another close relationship like kids or a coworker:

Verbal

• “How was your day?” (and wanting more than “Fine.”)

• “This song reminds me of our trip.”

• “Look at that dog! Doesn’t it look like your sister’s?”

• “Do you want to try a new restaurant tonight?”

• “It’s freezing in here.”

• “I’m sorry I said that. Can we talk about it?”

Non-verbal

• Sighing when stressed

• A raised eyebrow that says, “Did you see that too?”

• Sitting close by instead of across the room

• A sticky note on the fridge with a doodle

• Picking up your favourite snack for you without being asked

Physical

• Reaching for your hand on a walk

• A quick hug before heading out the door

• Resting their head on your shoulder

• A playful nudge or tickle

• Holding hands in the car

Why We Miss Bids (and How to Catch Them Sooner)

Do you notice more bids in your day now? We’re all making bids all the time.

And that’s why noticing them can be challenging. Sometimes we don’t notice a bid our partner or kid is making when they need something from us, or we respond poorly (or totally misunderstand it, if I’m being honest). Gottman calls these kinds of responses “turning away” (ignoring) or “turning against” (snapping, criticizing, or shutting it down).

Usually, we respond that way because:

• We’re distracted (by work, to-do lists, other people, or even our phones)

• We’re stressed (their need feels like “one more thing”)

• We’re lost in our own thoughts or feelings

If you’re remembering some less-than-stellar responses you’ve given to bids from people you love, don’t worry too much. We all have moments we learn from and apologize for, and there are ways to become more aware of the bids your partner is making and start responding differently (though if you need to have a conversation about a response that stands out to you or you need to apologize for something, do that, too).

Here are some ways to start “turning toward” and leaning into connection before ignoring the opportunities becomes a pattern and unintended side effects (like feeling disconnected, resentful, and both people feeling unseen) start adding up.

If it’s a distraction issue:

• Put your phone down when your partner talks

• Intentionally ask a follow-up question or two instead of nodding on autopilot

• Be okay with saying, “Sorry, I was distracted. Can you say that again? I want to listen.”

If it’s a stress problem:

• Try redirecting instead of shutting it down:
  “I’m wiped right now, but I’ll be more myself in 10 minutes. Can we talk then?”

• Try using reflective listening that shows you’re paying attention (“That sounds exciting” goes further than “mhm” without a lot more energy)

And as you experiment and learn along the way, remember that it’s okay to laugh at yourself, ask for what you need, get it wrong, apologize, and try again. That’s where connection happens anyway.

It’s Not “Needy” to Need Connection

That’s what bids actually are. They’re the way we try to feel close again and to make sure we have a place where we belong with someone we care about.

Making bids isn’t “needy” not “attention-seeking” (isn’t it funny how we believe “doing it for attention” is a bad thing?). At the same time, if that’s a thought that keeps you from connecting with your partner or responding to their bids with openness, a couples therapist can be super helpful in identifying the bids you and your partner might not even consciously realize you’re making and sorting through the things that make you want to push away.

If as you’ve read this blog post, you’ve noticed that you or your partner are stuck in a loop of missed bids, constant misunderstandings, or resentment that won’t go away, an attentive therapist can help you see the patterns more clearly and find new ways forward.

A good therapist won’t just hand you a communication worksheet and all it a day (I can do that in this 1200 word blog post). The right therapist will take time to help you figure out why connection feels hard right now (maybe by exploring attachment styles with you) and how to rebuild the closeness you want in your relationship. You deserve to feel connected to each other, and therapy can give you the tools and space to make that happen.

Conclusion

Sometimes all it takes to spark those warm fuzzy feelings of belonging is a validating look, a question, or reaching for their hand. We can call them “bids for connection”, but they’re really just the ways we find to tell someone I see you, I want to be here with you, you matter to me. 

When we learn to notice those bids and respond with our full attention, we create anchors in that relationship that help us feel secure, supportive, and deeply connected. The more you pay attention to the little things, the more love and peace you make space for, and I hope that everything you’ve read in this article reminds you that connection is always worth it.